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<title>How many? by Goldenfire</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881022">How many?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldenfire/pseuds/Goldenfire'>Goldenfire</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Freeform, Stream of Consciousness, mention of suicidal thoughts, poem</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 09:48:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881022</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldenfire/pseuds/Goldenfire</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A stream of consciousness work with minimal editing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

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<a name="section0001"><h2>How many?</h2></a>
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    <p>So many days, spent wasting away, doing nothing, making nothing, creating nothing.<br/>So long spent doing simple things, struggling, aching, unable, disabled?, incapable, sweeping problems under the rug until a mountain exists in the room of my mind, piling up and piling up into an unsurmountable peak and to start a task is to create instability, and the collapse of the entire thing.<br/>Every day, in and out, up and out and in and down, a bone deep exhaustion as the constant pressure of life pushes down on my soul, pressing me into the ground, wearing me away as I break and shatter under the weight of Expectation, and the Hopes of my Family.<br/>Long ago I lost the will to live, but do not have the will or bravery to die, fear of death and darkness – of ceasing to Be – keeping me from going through with it.<br/>The world is dying, I am dying, we are all dying, and it feels like there is no hope, no light, no saving this, no stopping the collapse of the world we live in, live on, can’t escape, only repairing what we can and hoping we manage to carve out a little place we can call our own, as we’re bombarded with constant suffering from all sides until we are numb to everything, to even our own pain that grows constantly worse in our own bodies, because someone else has it worse, right?, because someone else is worse off than you, right?<br/>The world moves at an unbearable pace, rushing by, ushering us forward before we are ready, before we are prepared, shoving us out into the world of smart phones and the internet, whirling and hurrying and pushing adulthood on us, while relatives ask and ask when we’ll have a boyfriend, a girlfriend, when we’ll have kids, what we want to do, where do we want to go, when are we moving out? Grow up, grow up fast, enjoy your childhood now or you’ll regret it, quick, grow up, get to work, don’t waste these years they’re the best of your life, but hurry on now, out into society with you, don’t let us down now!<br/><br/>How many?</p><p><br/>How many?</p><p> </p><p><br/>How many days?<br/>How many hours?<br/>How many lives?<br/>How many people?<br/>How many have been lost forever?<br/>How many are still able to be saved?</p><p>How many?</p>
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